silly_cleo: A photo of my dog, with the text "missy moo!" (missy moo)
[personal profile] silly_cleo
I really miss my dog. Someone suggested, and I had considered the possibility myself, that once I got back to the UK I would sort of...well, not forget, exactly, but be used to this idea of missing her but also just expecting her to be back in NZ for when I went back. This, it turns out, is definitely not the case. It's becoming a little intrusive, tbh. It's like the normal processing of missing my mum and the dog and NZ is a fairly small paper-cut I check in on the progress of every once in a while (because everyone pokes their healing cuts, right?), only I go to check and find this giant bleeding thing instead. It's like I can't avoid remembering she's NOT there. It just hurts. And I know this too shall pass, and it's not that it ever gets better, you just get used to it so it's kind of OK, but I wish I didn't have to actually go through the bit where I get used to it.

On the bright side, I am doing OK letting go of the guilt aspect. I've looked at the photos and videos I took of her while I was there a lot, she looks really happy and healthy. I know she enjoyed having me there, I know how much she loved me, and up to the day before she died it was lovely, the worries I had about her were normal 'we'll bring this up at her check-up' stuff. (I def find myself randomly remembering that last day at inconvenient times and getting really upset.) Her vet saw her socially a few weeks before I came to visit and commented on how well she looked. Everyone always DID comment on how fit she was for her age. It sucks that we didn't get more time, when I looked up the average lifespan for her breed I always just assumed we'd get the upper end, not the lower, but you don't get to choose that, and this wouldn't have sucked less in 3 years' time. (At the moment, stupidly, whenever I hear any of the 'more time' type refrains in Hamilton, I start crying, which is just...ideal.) Plus as I said in my last entry, I don't know that I would wish the kind of life other old dogs of my acquaintance have on her, or on my mum, or even on me and my siblings. Like being away from her so much was hard anyway, how much worse knowing her health was bad? And I do think not being able to run around like a puppy and jump on furniture would've made her sad.

I had a bit of a fit over the fact we weren't with her when we died, but I don't think this is the kind of game you can win. If we had been with her when she died I'd have been beating myself up with the idea the vet might've been able to help. She was at the vet on a drip and painkillers so I beat myself up with the fact she was alone, but she died in her sleep from the looks of her, for heaven's sake.

I've been a little preoccupied, understandably I guess, with what does even happen when we die. I know it's pointless, it's not like I'll find out till I get there, but wow, it really shows you how we have so many religions and they all have some idea of it. It's comforting. (I'm not knocking it, if you have faith I'm tbh a little jealous right now. I would love to believe I'll see my loved ones again when I die, including Missy, or that there's another cycle of life in which we'll meet again, or whatever. I always describe myself as agnostic. I don't know and except for wanting to know if I'll see people again, I'm OK not to know till I get there. I figure we'll all find out who was right eventually and it's not worth wasting too much of this life on. Cara keeps saying, and she's right, of course, that I should focus on the time I had, not on whether I'll have anymore some day.

I am starting to feel silly being this cut up about a dog I didn't even live with full-time, but I also sort of know that's unkind and pointless self-flagellating. I'm as upset as I am, the end. She was still very much my dog, and my first proper family pet, even if I didn't live with her full-time.

When I was still in NZ I wanted to write down some stuff I remember about her because I want to have it down somewhere before I start forgetting. I don't feel like doing that with this entry but I might do it soon.

I'm trying to remember where I've got the idea of people you love dying and taking bits of you with them until there's more of you...not here than here. I'm pretty sure it's a recurring theme in literature but I feel like I'm thinking of something specific.

I'm going to quit with this for now cuz I'm nominally at work and even though I am in an empty office by myself at the moment, half-crying on your 3rd day is not a good look. (I have a new job, it's fine but weird, it's temporary, I'm taking it very seriously as you can see. *rolls eyes*)
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silly_cleo: black and white image of Elizabeth Taylor as Cleopatra, text: an almost all greek thing (Default)

October 2017


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